Side 1: God Loves Slavery
Are you tired of cleaning up after yourself? Sick of planting your own crops like a sucker? Have I got news for you! If you’re a Christian, Muslim or Jew, your god wholeheartedly supports slavery. You may never have to lift a finger again!
Before you buy your first slave though, make sure to read up on the details. For guidelines on who to buy, which includes almost everyone, open a Bible to Leviticus 25:42-46. As long as they aren’t Hebrew men, you can even pass them down to your children!
Remember, God says a slave’s life is worth 30 silver sheckles, so make sure to collect it if an ox gores your slave to death! As an added bonus, you also get to stone the ox! (Exodus 21:32)
Sadly you will not be compensated if you beat your own slave to death, but at least you can be secure in the knowledge that beating them so badly they die is a-okay with God. Just make sure they don’t die for a day or two after the beating. (Exodus 21:20-21)
Now get out there and find some heathen slaves. Your life of leisure starts today!
Side 2: Girls for sale!
When a man sells his daughter as a slave, she will not be freed at the end of six years as the [Hebrew] men are. If she does not please the man who bought her, he may allow her to be bought back again. But he is not allowed to sell her to foreigners, since he is the one who broke the contract with her. And if the slave girl’s owner arranges for her to marry his son, he may no longer treat her as a slave girl, but he must treat her as his daughter. If he himself marries her and then takes another wife, he may not reduce her food or clothing or fail to sleep with her as his wife. If he fails in any of these three ways, she may leave as a free woman without making any payment.
- Exodus 21:7-11 NLT
A fine example of the Bible’s high regard for slavery, and low regard for women. Not only can a woman be bought and sold, she can be forced to marry her owner or his son! If he doesn’t like her or if he gets sick of her, then he can put her on Craig’s List, but at least he’s not allowed to resell her to a foreigner. Thank God.
Since God Loves Slavery was the first tract I made, I figured I’d bring it back in a new, shorter and hopefully more amusing form as our first publicly available tract.
Please download it and give it to as many people as you can along with the other tracts that we will start posting shortly. You can expect at least a couple of new ones every month, hopefully one a week or so, and even more than that this month.
Since the new version of God Loves Slavery is shorter and contains less information than the first one, I also plan to write an article on the subject soon, so keep an eye out for it, and if people don’t believe the tract or want to learn more, send them to the article! Thanks for reading, and good luck.