God Loves Slavery
Download God Loves Slavery (PDF)
Side 1: God Loves Slavery
Are you tired of cleaning up after yourself? Sick of planting your own crops like a sucker? Have I got news for you! If you’re a Christian, Muslim or Jew, your god wholeheartedly supports slavery. You may never have to lift a finger again!
Before you buy your first slave though, make sure to read up on the details. For guidelines on who to buy, which includes almost everyone, open a Bible to Leviticus 25:42-46. As long as they aren’t Hebrew men, you can even pass them down to your children!
Remember, God says a slave’s life is worth 30 silver sheckles, so make sure to collect it if an ox gores your slave to death! As an added bonus, you also get to stone the ox! (Exodus 21:32)
Sadly you will not be compensated if you beat your own slave to death, but at least you can be secure in the knowledge that beating them so badly they die is a-okay with God. Just make sure they don’t die for a day or two after the beating. (Exodus 21:20-21)
Now get out there and find some heathen slaves. Your life of leisure starts today!
Side 2: Girls for sale!
When a man sells his daughter as a slave, she will not be freed at the end of six years as the [Hebrew] men are. If she does not please the man who bought her, he may allow her to be bought back again. But he is not allowed to sell her to foreigners, since he is the one who broke the contract with her. And if the slave girl’s owner arranges for her to marry his son, he may no longer treat her as a slave girl, but he must treat her as his daughter. If he himself marries her and then takes another wife, he may not reduce her food or clothing or fail to sleep with her as his wife. If he fails in any of these three ways, she may leave as a free woman without making any payment.
- Exodus 21:7-11 NLT
A fine example of the Bible’s high regard for slavery, and low regard for women. Not only can a woman be bought and sold, she can be forced to marry her owner or his son! If he doesn’t like her or if he gets sick of her, then he can put her on Craig’s List, but at least he’s not allowed to resell her to a foreigner. Thank God.
About:
Since God Loves Slavery was the first tract I made, I figured I’d bring it back in a new, shorter and hopefully more amusing form as our first publicly available tract.
Please download it and give it to as many people as you can along with the other tracts that we will start posting shortly. You can expect at least a couple of new ones every month, hopefully one a week or so, and even more than that this month.
Since the new version of God Loves Slavery is shorter and contains less information than the first one, I also plan to write an article on the subject soon, so keep an eye out for it, and if people don’t believe the tract or want to learn more, send them to the article! Thanks for reading, and good luck.
February 9th, 2009 at 6:09 am
I love you man. This is going in my AP World report.
March 5th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
Very cool. I made something similar when I was in college. Ten years ago, same annoying preachers at U of Wisconsin Madison. I guess they go to Arizona for the winter. Have fun!
March 9th, 2009 at 6:09 pm
You are making fun of the bible!!! you are taking the bible out of proportion. the 7th commandment is do NOT Murder.
stop this stupid website!!! it is wrong and you know it!!!
March 9th, 2009 at 10:34 pm
Im going to have to agree with Ben here. What you are doing is wrong.
March 10th, 2009 at 1:18 am
Yes I am making fun of the Bible, but that’s only because it needs making fun of. You say what I’m doing is wrong, but what exactly is wrong here?
I provided verses for people to look up what I’m talking about, and I am not even presenting them incorrectly. The Bible very clearly supports slavery, and these are examples of it explicitly doing just that.
If you don’t believe me, look the verses up for yourself. There are more where these came from too, so if this isn’t enough to convince you I can get you more or you can do your own research on the subject.
If you do research it, Christians will lie to you and say that this wasn’t really slavery, but if you read the verses it becomes very clear that these people were to be treated as property, and the foreigners and women at least could be kept forever and passed down to your children.
So what exactly am I doing that is wrong? Exposing the side of the Bible that you don’t want people to know about?
March 26th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
Hey man love the page, keep it coming!!!
April 24th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
this is amazing lol
im so glad that someone is actually pointing out the flaws of the bible
the christian religon is screwed up in so many ways
i’ve never read the bible but from what i’ve heard it just sounds like a novel someone took way to serious haha
but im glad that u are finaly telling them that their religon isn’t perfect
keep up the good work
May 5th, 2009 at 11:45 am
Jesus replied, “And why do you break the command of God for the sake of your tradition? 4For God said, ‘Honor your father and mother’[a] and ‘Anyone who curses his father or mother must be put to death.’
- Matthew 15: 1-9 -
Kill the kid for cursing his parents?? Those Muslims sure do have some strange beliefs…Ohh! wait… oopps, thats from the Christian Bible. Who would have thunk it!
October 7th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Dude I’m not catholic in anyway but if God makes people happy why ruin it for them? It sounds like you are pretty confused with your life and you need some guidance. I don’t think dissing the bible is going to make you feel any better and its not difficult to point out flaws in a book that was written over 1500’s years ago in many different languages some which don’t even exist today. If your an athiest, Great! Its fine people have different beliefs, but what I don’t understand is why you are angry at the bible, almost sounds like someone is angry that they can’t believe in eternal happiness and decides to ruin it for the rest. Bottum line- FUCK YOU< YOU ARE A GOD DAMN NERDY PRICK WHO HAS NO LIFE AND WANTS TO SEE OTHERS AS MISERABLE AS YOU ARE.
October 7th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
• Isaiah 58:6 “Undo the heavy burdens . . . let the oppressed go free, . . . break every yoke.”
• Matthew 23:10 “Neither be ye called Masters: for one is your Master, even Christ.”
October 11th, 2009 at 3:18 am
Eric, if most adults believed in Santa Claus, would that bother you?
Maybe that’s not such a big deal, but what if they decided to push for a law saying that no one could have fires on Christmas eve anymore because Santa might be burned when he went down someone’s chimney?
Should we just let them do it? Should we oppose it by saying that Santa is fire-proof or some similarly silly idea which wouldn’t hurt the believers’ feelings? Or do you think it might be right to start pointing out that we have no reason to believe in Santa or the stories about him at all?
What if some groups of believers started claiming that they had received secret correspondence from Santa telling them that he hates thin children because they make him feel fat? People might decide to discriminate against thin children, or worse.
Would that be enough to make you want to point out that it’s absurd to think an enormous fat man could fit down a tiny chimney, or even more ridiculous to think that he could perform this feat millions of times around the world in a single night?
Sure, it might hurt some feelings, but more people would learn the truth, and the overall effect on the world would be a positive one.
The Santa examples are silly, but then so are many of the things that religious people believe, and many of them do try on a regular basis to insert their religion into politics, education, science and society in general.
This has led to such things as personal and sometimes even political discrimination against people of other religions (even other sects of the same religion), and against women, homosexuals, unbelievers and others. It has led to severe deficiencies in certain areas of education and funding of important scientific research. These are not things that we should ignore because we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
I’m not angry at the Bible, but I do get angry when people misrepresent it as something more or better than it is, and when they do things which have negative effects on me, our laws, and especially science, based on their religious beliefs. Beliefs which are in turn based on the Bible; an ancient book which few of them fully known and understand.
If they knew it well and knew it for what it is and not what they want it to be, they probably wouldn’t be Christians anymore.
As for your Bible verses, even if you believe that Jesus opposed slavery (which as a whole the Bible does not seem to suggest), that does nothing to change the previous explicit commands of the perfect and unchanging creator of the universe to engage in the profoundly immoral practice of slavery.
If someone wants to pretend that there aren’t problems with the Christian religion, if they want to delude themselves into believing that they will have eternal happiness in heaven after they die, they can go ahead and believe it.
They should at least have a chance to know the truth first though, and I would implore them to refrain from attempting to spread these ill-founded beliefs to others, and from trying to force us all to follow the rules of their religion.
December 13th, 2009 at 11:33 pm
Terrorists have tried to force people of the world out of the way of life they chose to live. They failed. What makes you think a mere atheist will have any chance?
December 31st, 2009 at 5:07 pm
@Reikio
Because we aren’t violently trying to force people to follow us, and most of us couldn’t care less what you believe provided you aren’t shoving it down our necks and making us follow your holy books.
In the end most of us don’t care if you have an imaginary friend, all we want is to be left to our own devices with out being told we have to acknowledge your fantasies as literal truth.