The Atheist Pope

“Breathe in…breathe out.

Focus your rage against God, and imagine pulling your ritual dagger across the helpless Christian baby’s throat, spilling its blood for our Lord Lucifer.

Breathe in…bre-”

A wild-eyed and wild-haired man in a Slayer t-shirt shook the Priest who had been leading our Atheist Meditation “Look! White smoke! The new Pope has been chosen!”

We were all on our feet in seconds, all thoughts of the sacrifice pushed to the backs of our minds by the burning question: who had the Cardinals deemed worthy of interpreting our sacred scriptures and creating the Atheist dogma?

We rushed off to the square below the palace, crowding in behind the throngs of thousands, all awaiting the news with bated breath.

The crack of a whip broke the silence and the masses cheered loudly when the deep bass drums pounded out the Papal March and demonic horns blew a loathsome dirge that filled our evil hearts with unspeakable joy.

I could almost see the fires of Hell burning when they pulled the curtains back. The black vestments of the Cardinals began to appear over the railing as they poured forth from the Papal chambers and onto the balcony, mad faces contorted with glee as the fruit of their wicked deal with the devil was revealed to the world.

The whip cracked again and an enormous jewel-encrusted golden litter was carried out onto the balcony by 13 naked slave girls, drenched in sweat and straining under the weight.

The music abruptly ceased, as did the movement of the litter. Cardinals drooled and leered at the girls as four of them got down on their hands and knees to make a staircase of flesh for their master. The curtains were soon parted by a stylish red Prada loafer, followed by the traditional blood red robes of the Atheist Pope.

“Ave Satani!” The Pope’s voice boomed across the square, and the cheering began anew. The swirling mass of red robes flew toward the railing and away again in a whirling dance passed down from time immemorial, from the devil’s own instructions to the first Atheist Pope. The cowl on his robe flew back, and as he came to rest standing proudly on the dais before his throne, leaning out over the railing to see the crowd, we finally knew.

With the mark of the beast burning brightly on his forehead above a gaunt face with skin pulled tight around his demon-sharpened features, it could be no one else. The new Atheist Pope Richard Dawkins graced us with his trademarked self-righteous smirk as he lifted his ceremonial dagger into the air and shrieked “Ad majorem Satani gloriam!”

The crowd screamed wildly in return and two cardinals carefully lowered the sinister looking red and black Papal Mitre onto his head while the cartloads of Christian babies began to roll into sight. In the third cart that passed me I could see that there was one little girl just old enough to know real fear. She looked straight into my eyes and I could see the terror on her face. I had found my sacrifice.

The Reality

There is no Atheist Pope, no atheist dogma or doctrine except that we don’t believe in gods.

I am frequently faced with people who believe that atheism is a religion, or at least a belief system, but it is merely a single belief or lack of belief. A religious person may say that everything in their life is based on their belief in gods, but the same is not true for an unbeliever.

Atheist Religion

One thing that is often used to “prove” that atheism is a religion is that US courts have ruled that it is one.

The reality is that while atheism is only a single belief related to religion, atheists should have the same rights, protections and privileges as religious people, and unfortunately legally defining it as a religion may be the only way to quickly and easily achieve that equality.

This ruling does nothing to change the fact that atheism simply does not fit into any reasonable definition of religion.

When I decide what I believe to be right and wrong, I don’t think “I can do this because there’s no God” unless it is something that specifically and only applies if gods do exist such as “thou shalt have no other gods before me”.

The main point is that I decide based in part on the beliefs of the society I live in, and on what I determine to be good based on my own observations and thoughts.

God doesn’t come into the picture at all. It’s not because I “hate Him” or because I “don’t want to follow his holy laws”, it’s because I really truly do not believe that any gods exist.

So please, if you are a believer, don’t imagine us to be horrible twisted monsters, and don’t try to tell us that we are part of an “atheist religion” or that atheism itself is a belief system. We do all have belief systems, whether they are taught to us or we create them ourselves, but atheism does not provide one.

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About Kazz

My name is Shawn Esplin and I am an advocate of Free Thought and general good sense and thought in general. To that end, I encourage people to seriously question the things that they have been taught, especially as children, because many of these things - religious and secular - are taken on faith until we actively choose to seriously examine them for ourselves.

2 thoughts on “The Atheist Pope

  1. at first i wasnt sure what this site was about and when i started reading the top of this article it kinda worried me, but as soon as i finished it I realized that I really like your website.

  2. The bulk of “believers” I know of and have spoken with really have no clue about atheists. As a matter of fact, it shocks them when I tell them that I am one. They have no idea how to handle it. They have usually operated on the premise that everybody, everywhere believes in some kind of deity. And the only information they go on about us is stuff they recieved 2nd hand from people who believe things the same way they do. I even had one guy say “Oh, so you worship in the devil.” All I could do on that one was laugh and attempt to explain to the poor fool that no, I didn’t believe in ANY imaginary being of any kind. The more I tried to explain, the more confused he became.

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